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Chapter 40: Bloody hell... [And as if being a week and two days shy of 24 isn't bad enough...]

25 September 2007
   16:26:46, The Small-Town Order / Personal Blog, 1,222 words  

Chapter 40: Bloody hell... [And as if being a week and two days shy of 24 isn't bad enough...]

So, I jumped onto Facebook earlier, and to my amusement I had three messages in the Inbox. One of them was from my best friend of 4 years, codename Pouncer. I was expecting more humorous nonsense, but only to find out that one of my friends that I dearly liked... well...

That dear friend I liked, codenamed Agathangelos [the Good Angel], is now engaged to his ex.

NEWS FLASH!! That's probably the worst bit of news I've read since Mike broke up with me. And to be honest, I really don't know how else to feel at the moment. And, sadly, perhaps it's not as bad as the break-up, but still. It hurts. Badly.

Touching in from Chapter 59 of my Trans-Underground blog, from earlier this month...
 In my TUE, Chapter 59, I wrote:
Of course, at this point, I'm feeling a bit cynical but, that's just as well. I don't mean to be cynical but, love is nothing more but a fairy tale, a hopeless cause, a lie. Yes, calling love a downright lie is probably wrong, but let's review my circumstances.

Me and Cupid: mortal enemies since my birth.

As far as relationships go, the number one reason why guys break up with me [and I say this because the only time I broke up with someone was because I got cheated on!!] is, "Let's just be friends." And then they find someone who they *possibly* end up spending their happily-ever-after with. And where the hell does that leave me?

Simple. Bitter, cynical, and pretty effin' pissed.

The worst bit is that, with the exception of that one time, it happens with EVERY RELATIONSHIP I END UP IN!! And it hurts. It's the worst feeling in the world. I hate it.

I guess, I'll never really see the love I bled out of my heart really returned to me. Except maybe in very small doses but... let's be real.

What are the odds--what are the actual odds--that there really is someone out there for me? To hell with this, I'd rather never let anyone get close to me again. Just that, I don't mean to be cynical or negative about it but, it's true. This is the unfortunate reality that I have to face every single fucking day that I breathe. It's worth enough tears to drown this planet. I'll be as bitter and as distant as I wish to be, thank you so very much.

I hate watching happy people in love sometimes. It just... it just saddens me more, embitters me. I try to overrun the odds, turn the tables. And it backfires.

All the while, Cupid challenged me to find someone. Someone who'd love me for me, that I could love for him. And then, Cupid turns the tables, causes the strings of life to tangle with the string that ties up hearts. The boyfriend lets me go, finds the one he was meant to be strung up with. Cupid laughs at me in triumph. And where does that leave me?

Simple. In the reject pile with all the losers.

I know, it isn't the best way to feel at times but, after all I've been through, for the first time ever, because of all that I've been through, I am not looking forward to my birthday this year.

For one, I've only got maybe $50 to last me this week AND last week [yeah, I just got paid yesterday but bills and rent need to be paid]. Plus, one of my friends whom I lent $100 to basically hasn't paid me back. In short, the bastard lied to me saying he needed the money to pay his rent. And he promised me he'd pay me back later that week. Well, it's been about two weeks and... well, so much for that. Now I know who NOT to trust, for one. Fuck-all that could be done about it at this point.

On top of all that, chances are, I might as well work on my birthday, because it's just going to be another day. I don't really care about the day anymore. One year closer to a quarter-life crisis.

Looking back some more...
 A month ago, the day he broke up with me, my ex wrote:
I'm sure that you'll recover - you're a smart, tough, beautiful girl. Don't let this make you think that you're worth any less - it's nothing that you did wrong, just circumstances didn't work out.

It's kind of a shame, really. I really thought that he'd be right. But...
 In TUE Chapter 59 I wrote:
Smart? Yes, but come on. Right now my intelligence is being put to decent use trying to type coherent sentences while NOT BREAKING DOWN INTO TEARS!!!

Tough? I suppose but... let's face it. I'm not as tough as I thought I was. I'm not as tough as either of us thought.

Beautiful? I am really doubting it. I get stuck having to swat away the scary sorts that want to do all sorts of creepy crap to me [remember the mexican incident earlier this week, on monday, changeover?].

And anyway, all the good guys are either taken, or they just don't give a damn.

Whoops, gotta note. Crazy Chapter 57, Monday 3 September...
 About that Mexican incident, I wrote:
In other odd news of the day, it's the Transition to Lunch, alias Changeover [oh and, today at work was hectic like nobody's business!!], and this Mexican-lookin' guy [trust me, he wasn't cute!] had ordered at the speaker. He finally shows up at my window and, of course, I've got my game face on. [For those who don't know, I tend to be very serious during Changeover. While I tend to be very polite, I don't really smile at all, because Changeover is my least favorite part of the day. I absolutely hate Changeover. And hence, the game face--serious, yet tangible. Does that make sense?] So I give the Mexican his change and he's like, 'You have pretty hair, baby!' I give him this look and warn him politely that, unless he was my boyfriend [which thank God he wasn't--he defo was NOT my type either!], he had no right whatsoever to call me 'baby' and think he could get away with it. His response: he wanted to be my boyfriend! My response: I don't think so!!

So yeah, that's my creepy-guy rejection of the day. Oi.

Evil laugh Yeah, that creep REALLY deserved that rejection. Big time.

But anyway, I'm really starting to question myself about... well, myself. As confident as I could be in myself, I suppose it's better that I'm alone against this destructive world. I don't really know where I belong anymore. And I doubt that there actually is someone out there for me, no matter what anybody tells me. That's them. They have their "someone special just for them." They have their happily-ever-afters written out, well past their wedding days I'm sure. They... they don't understand.

Fucking hell, I'm no "smart, tough, beautiful girl." cry I'm a dork, a weakling, and ugly in a humble manner. My ex was a liar!!

As I slowly approach my 24th birthday, with the news that a friend I loved dearly is now engaged, the fact I noted at the end of that sad Chapter 59 has proven itself true no matter how hard I try to make it otherwise:

I was meant to be the friend, never the loved.

And that's the worst reality that I can ever face.

~ Jenn


You want to reply to this article? Authenticate yourself to leave a comment.
Comment from : Chris Nash  
But Chris says...

'Grow up Jenn and come back to NOOL chat you wanker'

That's what friends are for though x
01/10/2007 @ 16:25
Comment from : King John Honest John  
oh Jen. i love you. you have such a way with words.
25/10/2007 @ 07:43
Comment from : crossding  
very good article, tks for sharing!!!
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